The Funny Side Of Football Stereotypes (Part 2 – Team Truths?)

Football’s character cliches and matchday laws were tackled in Part 1 (judging a successful ‘tackle’ is debatable however – see Nigel De Jong below.) One of the true beauties of the game is the contrasting styles and attitudes around the world. In this second installment we take a running studs-up two-footed lunge into the stereotypes of International and Club teams.

Please note that the below are stereotypes, and not the the view of the author, nor any of the voices in his head…

The International Teams

— The Dutch are silky Total Football purists

EveryDeJong was Kung Fu Fighting

— The Germans are super-efficient football scientists that never crack under pressure. A bunch of robots who play unsexy but merciless and methodical football in rigid formations, and always seem to make at least the semi-finals of every tournament.

Bayern Munich's midfielder Bastian Schwe
Sporting Abeergut’s new signing
Das ist sehr gut yah

— The Italians are gesticulating prima donnas who worship at the altar of the beautiful game and fly into the air screaming and clutching at their limbs at the slightest tap. Defensive and boring.

Italian football: All snorkel no moral

— The English have great passion and are honest hard-working pro’s who are more physical than delicate foreigners. Utterly doomed if things go to penalties

English players don’t dive…. I haven’t got a Clooney where that rumour comes from!

— The Spanish are beautiful passers and spectacular divers.

Ow Ow Ow Peek-a-boo Ow Ow Ow
Ouch Ouch Ouch Peek-a-boo Ouch Ouch Ouch

— The African comprise of contain impressive athletes and tactically naive coaching. The goalkeeping is terrible, the hairstyles bizarre.

Emmm….. I dont even know what to say….?!

— The USA are chipper, harmless underdogs who just learned how to play “soccer” (lol what?) last week or so. They probably compete in some sort of amateur league back home. The fans are loud and brash.


— All South American players learned to play football in the streets and on the beaches. For fans, there is no signing more exciting than a South American striker as he will inevitably be amazing. (Bonus hysteria points if he has a one-word first name.)

The Braziliant Samba dancers – “Heeeeey Macarena AAAhAAA”

 The English Premiership

— The Premiership itself is the fastest and most physical league (read: sport) in the world. Foreigner stars find it hard to settle into the pace. Their wives don’t rate the shopping in Newcastle.

“Coleen, Victoria, Youse are all gets, am gannin’ ta toon for a Broon and TK Maxx”

— English managers are never given a chance. Always susceptible to the “managerial merry-go-round.”

“He’s 6 foot, fit as a flea, good looking. He’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster, that would make us all feel better. Having said that, my missus has a pet hamster and his cock’s massive” – Holloway on Ronaldo!

— All Premiership managers are avid wine drinkers and after the final whistle they discuss the decisions over a bottle of red.

“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a two nice Cantona Chianti’s”

— Newcastle fans will always keep the sound levels high; turning St James Park into a “cauldron on noise.” No matter what happens to the team, the Newcastle supports will always deserve better than what they get. Past players are glorified as Gods (see Keegan and Shearer)

Kevin Keegan has let himself go a bit
Newcastle United fan's tattoo of Alan Shearer
One way to save money on buying new strips each year

— Aston Villa and Leeds are big clubs.

‘Holte End – The 12th Man’ or ‘Holte End – Only 12 Men’

— Manchester United will score during time added on at the end.

“Break it down!….. STOP, Fergie Time”

— Arsenal are a young team with a great future

Arsenal’s new signings enjoying their first training session of cuddles and story time

— Stoke/Bolton/Sunderland are tough places to go (especially for foreigners) as they love nothing more than kicking away teams up in the air. It’s also always freezing cold and raining during midweek games.

The Stoke team celebrating a draw against Man Utd

— Liverpool on a European night at Anfield is special. Hearing 45,000 Scousers belt out You’ll Never Walk Alone is a must on the bucket list of every true football fan.

“When you walk through a storm….CALM DOWN CALM DOWN”

Celtic – more interested in sectarian hatred than football. Celtic winning proves the superiority of catholics over protestants (which all other teams are).
Rangers – more interested in sectarian hatred than football. Rangers  winning proves the superiority of protestants over catholics (which all  other teams are).

“And You’ll Never Walk (or frolick-down-a-hillside) Alone”

Aberdeen – love sheep.


At the end of the day, football really is a funny old game.