“Drunk-hungry” – The level of drunkenness at which a staggering young guy or girl seeks out greasy fast-food that they would never be found eating sober. It’s a special kind of hungry that even the most dedicated dieter can’t rise above. I’m talking about the 5 am, desperately Googling-ing a 24-hour takeaway or pizza restaurant, stumbling up and down the streets in search of a bakery or cafe that will accept your debit card kind of drunk-hungry. It more often than not results in kebab sauce dripping down your face and onto your clothes as you soldier on toward your bus home.

Your mouth (in addition to your top and trousers) can incur battle wounds when you’re drunk-hungry. That steaming hot chips’n’cheese will seem totally manageable until you try to take a bite of it, singeing your entire mouth and causing you to drop the half-melted cheese onto your (hopefully) cheap shoes.

You may become argumentative when you’re drunk-hungry, specifically towards the man behind the takeaway counter in response to his lack of deep-fried pizza. You might try to make this man understand that he has all of the necessary ingredients to make deep-fried pizza, and insist that if he would just let you into the kitchen, you could make deep-fried pizza for everyone, including him. Why is he being so unreasonable? All you would need is some dough and cheese and if you could use the oven and the fryer, you could make a deep-fried pizza. Who hired this guy?!

If you’re having food delivered to your flat, being drunk-hungry can cause extreme paranoia. You may feel the need to drunk-dial the 24-hour food establishment multiple times within the 30-minute delivery estimate just to ensure that your food is actually en route. You might also be compelled to profess your love to whoever answers the phone at said food establishment once he tells you that they are, in fact, still delivering, and that your meal selection does happen to come with chips. You may accidentally order an insane amount of food that could feasibly feed your entire street, and thus be compelled to knock on your neighbor’s door and share. They might not be hungry, or amused.

Being drunk-hungry might lure you into a less recognised option for late-night eating: a 24-hour garage. Since you can use your debit card here, you will feel compelled to buy every snack you see, especially if you’re far from home and need to survive a long, drunken bus journey. You will double and triple guess your snack selection, overwhelmed by all of the possibilities. It may take you a full 20 minutes to decide what junk food will be keeping you company on your way home. You might feel the cashier judging you as you proceed to charge £4.57 to your debit card (Note: the cashier is definitely judging you).

On some rare but blessed occasions, a group of young guys/girls leaving the club at the same time as you may overhear your frantic Google search for a 24-hour anything, and offer to lead you to the promised land of late-night greasy food that they are headed to. This is not only a genius pick-up tactic, but also a gift from the Alcohol Gods. You should follow these guys/girls in virtually all cases, even if you would never entertain their conversation sober in the daylight – even if eating food that is not salad in front of someone of the opposite sex is kind of terrifying to you. The exception to this rule is when said group of guys/girls claim to have food at their flat, which just so happens to be located right in the area. They are lying. Who “just happens” to have all of the necessary ingredients to make burgers lying around their flat at 5 a.m.? Serial killers, that’s who (or David Hasselhoff.)

Keep in mind that the most successful nights out will result in being drunk-hungry. If you’ve partied your face off, drank till your heart’s content, and danced until your feet hurt so badly that you hobble out of the bar just as the sun is rising, then you completely deserve whatever deep-fried, cheesy, deliciously “bad” food your stomach desires.

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