My girlfriend is a peanut butter nutter. This is my tale of surviving a creamy vs crunchy warzone.

Based on actual events.

* * *

I arrived back at the flat after a long session of sculpting out perfect pectorals in the gym to face my girlfriend attempting a ‘Joey’ (see here) before unleashing a torrent of abuse in my direction. The crime? Buying crunchy peanut butter.

She acted like crunchy peanut butter was dangerous — saying the nuts inside would cut the roof of her mouth.

She was saying that creamy was dreamy.

Despite her great taste, my girlfriend is a creamy peanut butter enthusiast, and she asked me which one I actually preferred.

I brought the crunch down on her.

An aimless debate sparked and a peanut-buttery bloodbath ensued: names were called, punches were thrown and nutritional facts were read.

Things got nutty.

I asked how many people in the room knew that George Washington Carver, the creator of peanut butter, ate the crunchy type.

She and I both raised our hands. One of us wasn’t telling the truth.

You see, she spreads her lies like she spreads her creamy peanut butter to the very edges of underdone pieces of toast.

Some of her peanut butter propaganda included, “I like my peanut butter as smooth as my personality,” and, “That statement is as hard to swallow as your crunchy peanut butter.”

It ended up something like this

I could have let it go. But I, like most Brits, will fight tooth, claw and nail to prove that my opinion and taste buds are superior.

I took the creamy vs. crunchy carnage to social media networks.

I went to Twitter using the hashtag #TeamCrunchy

I posted on Facebook, “Which is better? Crunchy peanut butter or creamy? Team crunchy all day.” It received an outstanding 11 likes and 60 comments, including notable gems such as ‘Been in crunchy heaven since ’87’ peanut butter connoisseur, Greg W wrote.

“Guess who’s having a toastie with creamy peanut butter and Waitrose strawberry jam right now?…… This guy!” My biased younger brother said to spite me.

“Listen here you swine, I will agree that traditional Peanut Butter and Jam may call for creamy peanut butter, but you gotta live, man,” actress and all round legend, Rachel J responded.

“CRUNCHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ALL DAY ERRYYYY DAY 😎,” race car enthusiast, Graeme D added.

Around this time, I made some interesting discoveries.

According to the National Peanut Board, women and children prefer creamy, while men prefer crunchy. I also found that creamy peanut butter has more saturated fat in it than crunchy.

Yes, the National Peanut Board might also say that 60 percent of consumers prefer creamy, but us crunchy enthusiasts are fine being non-conformists.

I know I am. I gotta have my crunch.

And just from thinking about that decadent, crunchtastic texture— I’m salivating right now.

What this battle of the nutty minds has made me realise is that this argument may never end. There are many philosophical debates to be made about what composes the perfect peanut butter and jam sandwich — what’s the correct ratio of jam to peanuts? Is the bread supposed to be toasted? Why do Americans call Jam, ‘Jelly’?

These are on par with pondering the meaning of life.

But the one thing we can all agree on is that thick oat is most definitely the superior bread and nobody likes to eat blackcurrant preserves….

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