I love food.  I’ll eat nearly anything from Alligator to Zebra, but some things annoy me more than a metaphorical fly in my soup. Whilst putting the fork down in between bites I’ve been thinking about food trends and dishes I could do without. In no particular order, here are things I dislike about food.

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Bacon. Where? Bloomin everywhere that’s where. Most people agree that bacon is rather delicious and you won’t hear any argument from me. However, you can take a good thing too far, and  people are using bacon in ways that would make most butchers break out angry meat sweats. Sugared bacon, bacon ice cream, and even bacon used in cocktails. It’s all getting out of hand. Bacon has been close to perfect since man first learned how to cure meat. It doesn’t need you to stuff it in a doughnut to make it better.

Paleo diets. The premise sounds good but a life without oats, bread, or cheese isn’t worth living. The same goes for all fad diets: keep your preaching to yourself please. Balance, as in all things, is key.

Sushi. Before I get hit with the ‘You haven’t tried real sushi’ stick, I’ve travelled Japan, I know my takoyaki from my okonomiyaki (no spellcheck needed.) Sushi makes the list because it is expensive, a faff to make, comes with rules, and isn’t that filling. The sushi at Yo Sushi tastes the same to me as the stuff from Asda. Raw fish on white rice is raw fish on white rice. Am I wrong? Waiter, one hot Sake to go please!

Foam. Some hot bread with you meal? Yes. Some frog-spawn-turned-bird-spit by your meat? No.

Kale. I blame the cupcake, bacon and burger brigade for the bitter green situation – we all needed a vegetable on our plates after what feels like an overdose of sugar, butter, and animal fat. Packed with antioxidants as it might be, raw kale has no place in a salad – it’s tough, stringy, joyless, and impossible to chew. I reckon we’ve been fooled with this one; people munching away like cows on their cud. Not even Beyonce can make Kale sexy.

Supermarket ‘premium’ ranges. From M&S to Lidl, they’re as bad as each other: “Finest”, “Taste The Difference”, “Extra Special”, “Erection Worthy” (Okay perhaps not the last one.) In an attempt to get you to fork out an extra few quid for something that is often only marginally better than the regular type. Yeah, some of these may be worth spending a bit extra, but it’s the marketing that really grinds my gears. It makes you feel that not paying £14 for a microwaveable fish pie means you’re ‘Essentially’ (Waitrose cheap range) going shopping in a Kappa tracksuit and Rockports.

The burger obsession. There’s British food and there’s American food. There’s British cities and there’s American cities. I like a burger as much as any carnivore, but the obsession with filling the UK with New York-style burger joints is getting too much. Edinburgh has recently added Bread Meats Bread, Burger Meats Bun, Ed‘s Diner, Five Guys, and the aptly named BURGER to the already long list of specialist burger eateries.

Cupcakes and cupcake cafes. So you watched The Great British Bake Off and also saw a show on the TV where the ladies ran cupcake shops and it looked like a lot of fun?  But then you discovered that running a cupcake cafe is a lot like running an actual cafe. You have to get up early, work really hard, do your own accounting, learn DIY, and make more than a hundred cupcakes a day. All of a sudden, it wasn’t so much fun anymore. Oh, and also? Your cupcakes all taste like sweetened sponges, and it wasn’t until you were already £100,000 in debt that you realised your friends were just being polite when they told you how delicious they were.

White carbs. Every one of my favorite things to eat is a waistline-swelling carb like potato products, bread, or pasta. Why does good-tasting always equal bad for you? If kale only tasted better, I’d be thin and trendy.

Smoothies and pressed juices. Cold-pressed juices are just normal juice that’s pressed instead of squeezed (what?) They’re now trendy because they come in cute bottles (sometimes with woolly hats) and taste, well, average. If someone you know has ever participated in a detox, you definitely saw pictures of green juice on Facebook or Instagram. They’re not cheap either, and the money you could save from drinking water (which I hear is pretty healthy) instead of cold-pressed juice, you could buy a month’s worth of real fruits and vegetables. Or better yet, a month’s worth of wine.

Pan-fried. Today sir, we have pan-fried scallopsThe phrase “pan-fried” means ‘fried’, it’s exactly the same.

Fishsticks. Fishsticks are made out of imitation crabmeat, but what is imitation crabmeat made out of? No, don’t tell me.

Fizzy drinks. Diet Coke causes cancer, but regular Coke causes cancer and obesity. Some choice.