Disclaimer: This post is satirical. Pot kettle black.

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Seriously though, is there anything more annoying than a personal trainer?

It seems you can’t leave your house, turn on the tele or even log onto social media without being harassed by some roided up gymbro or bro-ette in tights, screaming abusive “motivation” or misquoting Winston Churchill.

Well, you know what, personal trainers? We hate you.

Not only are you annoying, but judging by the world’s skyrocketing obesity rates, you are also highly incompetent. Given that it took you less than three weeks to become “qualified,” this is hardly a surprise. Here are 9 reasons why our hate is so strong:

1. Lifting weights doesn’t make you a life coach.

We don’t need to be “inspired” by you. We’re doing just fine. Just remember who can afford to pay whom here.


2. You’re not “living the dream.”

Actually, this isn’t necessarily true. You could very well be living the dream – if that “dream” happens to be being a below average paid service worker with 42 pairs of fluorescent shoes.


3. You’re not a model.

You’re just another person with access to Instagram filters and photo effects.

If our lives consisted of selfies, protein shakes, and chicken breasts, we’d look pretty good too (we look good anyway, but assuming that, hypothetically, we didn’t). Alas, the rest of us have these things called careers, which take up the majority of our time.

Also, who is taking these home photos? I can only assume it’s your mum, as personal trainers don’t make nearly enough money to live on their own.


4. Stop wasting our time with pseudoscience.

Apparently, we are all idiots for counting calories; now it’s all about the macronutrients.

So, instead of wasting our time counting calories, we should basically build super computers to individually account for our daily intake of protein, carbs and fat. Makes sense to us.


5. #Cleaneating isn’t anything special.

You are just eating meat and vegetables. People have literally been doing this for millions of years.


6. You have way too much energy.

Great morning for a 5 am run? No, sorry, it’s a great morning to go the f*ck back to sleep.


7. You are not a doctor.

You are a personal trainer, not a doctor. You know how to (barely) use the cable pulley machines – that’s it. Don’t start telling us about biochemistry or anatomy.


8. Not everyone else is exercising wrongly.

Newsflash: Unless someone is headbutting the dumbbells, or cycling their bike on the treadmill, no one really cares about your advice.

If we were talking about, say, open-heart surgery, then we might be a little more interested in debating the merits of “proper” technique. One way or another, it’s exercise, which is all that really matters — at least that’s what your Facebook page tells us three times a day.


9. You appear to be multiplying.

Seriously, is it just us or are three out of every four people you meet these days “professional” personal trainers? Not only does this beg the question of how this industry is even able to fund itself, but the truly terrifying part is the rate of population growth. You know what else grows fast? Viruses.

We are no mathematicians, but based on our calculations, it’s safe to say we are only hours away from the Ultra-Fit Zombie Apocalypse. We’ve even seen you training for it. Why else would you willingly practise electrocution and drowning under the guise of Tough Mudder?

 

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