With the rumours that Britain will actually get a summer this year, women across the country are working hard to sculpt out bikini bodies, whilst the men work on chiseling their jaws and building their biceps. Here are the fitness industry’s top secret tips to achieving the results you really deserve. 

Newsflash : Satire

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Set Realistic, Attainable Goals. Rather than trying to lose 10 pounds in one day, go crack open the wine, eat a couple handfuls of grated cheese and watch some Netflix instead.


Everyday Fitness – Being fit means constantly pushing your body. Tone your calves in the car by constantly braking and pushing on the pedals.

Eat Only Healthy Animals – Fancy a burger? Pick a promising cow 12 weeks ahead of time and hire a personal trainer to develop a bovine strength-training routine for the cow to follow. For the best 9 ways of telling if your Personal Trainer is a load of bull see this fantastic link.

Chocolate Cake – Moist, rich, and delicious. Wait, what am I saying? You shouldn’t be thinking about this now.

Take The Stairs – It’s one of the easiest ways to hide an increasingly weak and shapeless body from the eyes of your office coworkers.

Supplements – Get one of those big tubs of chocolate Maximuscle Whey Protein, mix it with water, and then cake yourself in it. Allow the mixture to harden and then wait three to four days within your protein cocoon while the substance works its magic.

Outdoor Fitness – There’s no better way to get your heart pumping and muscles swelling than a walk through the woods, finding a stick, and using it to whack random passers-by.

Question Yourself – Before going back up for a second helping at the buffet, ask yourself, “Do I really need this?” When the answer turns out to be yes, you’ll feel much less guilty about eating it.

Food Journal – For example, you might write “Turkey sandwich, 650 calories” or “Why is this so hard? Oh God, I just want to be happy.”