1. Short corners. The big lads have gone up expecting a cross. Then there’s a collective groan as its played short – how often does it actually work?
  2. Football Agents. Making millions by moving players between clubs as often possible. Trafficking humans like commodities.
  3. Diving. Some players have made an art form out of it. As soon as they feel a slight touch they go from vertical to horizontal quicker than you can say Arjen Robben.
  4. Feigning injury. Grown men rolling around like babies. Quick, someone get Diego Costa a Hello Kitty plaster and a lollipop.
  5. Players not celebrating. When a player scores against their former team they should still celebrate. Just not go full on Adebayor and run the length of the pitch before knee-sliding in front of opposition fans.
  6. Transfer sagas. Long drawn-out nonsense, of which 95% is bollocks. Will he? Won’t he? We shouldn’t know, nor want to know, every stage of each transfer deal.
  7. Piers Morgan. Why doesn’t everyone just ignore him and maybe he’ll go back to his own planet sometime soon.
  8. Half-and-half scarves. What more is there to say about these modern monstrosities? 50% one team, 50% the other, and 100% chance you’ll look stupid.
  9. Cliches. “You couldn’t make this up!”
  10. Getting shirty. Clubs wearing away kits when they don’t need to. If there’s no obvious clash then wear your usual club colour.
  11. Sepp Blatter. *looks up every negative word in dictionary for synonyms of vile*, *throws dictionary away in anger just thinking about FIFA*
  12. British ‘experts’ ignorance. Naivety of foreign leagues, foreign players, and the history of everything football related outside Blighty.
  13. The Fat Guy. You laugh as a really fat guy warms up for the opposition before your Sunday League match. He then scores a hat-trick and gets clapped off.
  14. Corporately named grounds. The Brittania and The Emirates are passable. The Sportsdirect.com @ St James’ Park Stadium is not.
  15. Sod’s Law. The player who was useless for your team returns with his new club and gets man of the match, probably scoring the winner too.
  16. Crap Excuses. When a player does something a bit rubbish but then claims it’s the pitches fault. Miss-hit a penalty or a goalkick? Quick, stare at the grass where you kicked it from.
  17. “World class.” Try watching some Barcelona and Bayern Munich matches. Now, do you still think Celtic’s passing really was ‘World class’?
  18. Messi vs Ronaldo. Appreciate them both as they continue to break records week after week. They’re both worse than Nicklas Bendtner anyway.
  19. ‘Hard’ Britain.  “But could he do it on a cold Monday night in Stoke….” Stop. Just stop.
  20. Football Manager knowledge. Anyone claiming to know all about obscure players when in reality they signed them once in a video game.
  21. Booing.  Seriously, what does it achieve? Do you mouth off to the actors at the movies or stand up shouting ‘Boooooo’ at the service in Nandos? Behave like adults.
  22. Match of the Day. It used to be good but now we have Alan Shearer and Ruud Gullit who provide us with the analytical equivalent of just pointing at the score and banging a pan with a spoon.
  23. Robbie Savage. He’s about as insightful as that noise modems used to make when you signed into AOL. Fast becoming the poster boy for bad punditry
  24. Gagging Orders. I’ve got a joke for you. Ryan Giggs, John Terry and Steven Gerrard walk into a bar and I’m not allowed to talk about what happens.
  25. Sky Hype . “THIS SUNDAY, IT’S NORWICH VS SWANSEA, NEITHER TEAM HAS ANYTHING TO PLAY FOR, BUT WE’RE SHOWING THE MATCH REGARDLESS, AND WE’RE GOING TO HYPE IT UP LIKE IT’S AS IMPORTANT AS THE WORLD CUP FINAL”
  26. Pay-offs for managers. “You’ve done a terrible job, we’re bottom of the league, which means the financial ruin of the club, so let’s add to that by paying you £12 million to leave.”
  27. Fluorescent boots : One rule, you have to be a star to pull off wearing ridiculous boots. It doesn’t always work – especially in Sunday League.
  28. Idiotic football chants. “Burnley, Burnley FC….we’re by far the greatest team the world as ever seen!”…well you’re not really are you Burnley? What evidence do you have to support such a bold claim? None? That’s what I thought.
  29. Facebook pages for your club. Every week Arsenal put up a ‘Gossip Column’ containing everything the papers and websites have said about transfer rumours that week. It’s all fabricated hype.
  30. Player names. Fans referring to players on a first-name or nickname basis. “Great tackle Paul, keep it up” or “what a goal by John-naldo!”
  31. 5th officials. This has got to be the cushiest job in football. What do they actually do? Oh yes, block the view of fans who’ve paid £60 to watch a Champions League game.
  32. Referee Killjoys. Players being booked for going to celebrate a goal with the supporters. We can’t let the lads have too much fun now can we?
  33. 2 week international friendly breaks. The most boring two weeks ever – every season. Boring interviews with boring people about opinions on (mostly) boring players.
  34. ITV’s football coverage . Xenophobic, negative, boring, Andy Townsend, England friendlies, need I go on?
  35. Discussing rivals.  Those fans that spend more time talking about rival clubs than they do  their own – why spend so much of your life being bitter?
  36. Undisclosed transfer costs. Honesty is needed over player fees and wages. ‘Arsenal signed Theo Walcott for £10m, but this could potentially rise to £27m depending on 652 ‘undisclosed’ top secret MI5 clauses.
  37. Action-replay analysis. Co-commentators seeing a goal-line incident replay from a raised camera angle, seeing a bit of grass between the ball (in the air) and the line, and saying ‘It’s clearly over the line’.
  38. Treatment of officials. Seriously, you’ve got to have something wrong with you if you want to be a ref. Who chooses to have people like Joey Barton and Roy Keane constantly swearing at you all game, followed by both managers saying how useless you are and blaming you for everything that’s gone wrong?
  39. iPads. I’m a reasonable man, but if you take an iPad inside a stadium you deserve all the inevitable abuse directed your way.
  40. Qatar hosting the World Cup. Corrupt voting, cities still unbuilt, and a 45C (113F) desert heat. No booze or bacon either? It’s a farce!
  41. Man City fans. From humble underdogs to European experts in 5 years
  42. Sleeping Giants. One overused cliche to describe the likes of Derby and Leeds. Do giants do anything but sleep?
  43. FIFA rankings. Belgium at #1, USA at #5? As bonkers as Sepp Blatter himself. Everybody knows Scotland are #1.
  44. Terrible views at stadiums. Finally getting a ticket to a match but it’s a seat with a restricted view. Rarely worth the gamble.
  45. Club Wembley. Sold out matches but nobody using the thousands of corporate seats or boxes. We’ll gladly help out with all the prawn sandwiches and champagne going to waste.
  46. Internet message boards. My team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No. my team’s better than yours. Repeat until the world ends.
  47. Joey Barton. We don’t like to kick a man when he’s down, but he did, so here goes. Type “Joey Barton Scum” into google and you get 30,500 results.
  48. Autobiographies. There comes a time in every player’s life when he decides — or his agent tells him — to write his life story. A couple of interviews with a ghostwriter later and hey presto we have 200 pages of guff and absolutely zero interest from the book-buying public. Wayne Rooney has already written two books. That’s one more than he’s read.
  49. Gary Lineker’s puns on Match of The Day. “Will Chelsea players be feeling BLUE later?”
  50. Fans burning shirts. Total waste of money lads.
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