1. A full kit wanker. Seeing grown adults in full football gear is always a good laugh – providing its not one of your mates. Oh and it’s not just the men who are a little too proud of their teams.  
  2. Goalies in trousers. Never trust a goalie who wears trousers as they’re likely to be a clown in disguise. Some goalies even wear team shorts over their trousers.
  3. Arsene Wenger’s coat troubles. Arsene Wenger vs Arsene Wenger’s coat is football’s longest-running feud. It’s is one old rival Monsieur Wenger has never beaten.
  4. Commentators claiming “no one likes to see that” – As a fight breaks out, in fact that’s precisely what everyone wants to see.
  5. The care and attention that goes into a well-made banner. In a league of oligarchs, sheikhs, shady geezers, and American billionaires, it’s as close as some fans get to a cultural identity with their club.
  6. Stoppage-time winners. Is there any better feeling in life? As Renton says after having sex in Trainspotting,”I haven’t felt this good since Archie Gemmill scored against Holland in 1978.”
  7. Louis Van Gaal’s after-dinner speeches. Van Gaal took control of the stage at Man Utd’s Player of the Year awards and delivered a very drunken speech One of his particular gems was, “Hello. Hello. Pay attention to the manager. I have seen a lady at the front who plays the saxophone fantastically. Give her a big applause!” 
  8. The smell of Deep Heat on a cold weekend morning. Famous for getting young boys stoned every Saturday morning, it’s a throwback to changing rooms filled with sweaty shin pads and lynx deodorant.
  9. Streakers v Stewards. It’s pure bare-faced cheek. Imagine streaking stark naked in front of a crowd of strangers. Today it’s even possible to buy streakers for Subbuteo, the football game, to go alongside your football strikers.
  10. Eccentric owners. Building statues of Michael Jackson at Fulham, renaming Newcastle’s ground to ‘The Sports Direct Stadium @ St. James Park’, Cardiff City appointing a Kazakhstani odd job man specialising in painting and decorating as their chief scout….. So ridiculous you can’t make them up.
  11. El Clasico. The two biggest, richest, and best teams in the world play against each other in a genuine rivalry. A gargantuan biannual event that has 50 million more viewers than the Superbowl. Ohhhhh the goosebumps.
  12. Selfie-stick bans. Selfie-sticks and iPads have no place in a football stadium.
  13. Tifos. (Especially at Borussia Dortmund). If you don’t know what a Tifo is then you should. Passion exemplified.
  14. A pie and a Bovril. When you go to watch Scottish football this is usually the best part about the game. Nothing tastes quite as good as a hot scotch pie during half time at a football match.
  15. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo. The two greatest players of all time. See this snippit of their careers to see exactly why.
  16. A “Yeboah” Goal…We all call it this right? When someone twats the ball and it bounces off the underside of the bar and in?
  17. In-Direct Free Kicks. No style, no finesse, just pure chaos. A striker smacks the ball as hard as possible whilst defenders get whatever they can in the way of the ball to prevent a certain goal. Brilliant.
  18. Rush Goalie. A keeper charging into the box at the death to provide an extra man. Will force of habit cause him to catch the ball? Will he display some dazzling technique nobody knew he had and win the game? There’s no way of knowing.
  19. Outfield Players In Goal. On a similar note, outfield players going in goal is brilliant too, the longer the better. It causes that playground “who goes in goal” panic, as if being in goal is something of a punishment.
  20. Seeing celebrities sitting with the fans. Football is bigger than wallets and A-lists. Whilst some celebs choose corporate seats and royal boxes, many are still season ticket holders and regularly sit with fans. For example – Idris Elba at Arsenal, Eddie Izzard at Crystal Palace, Noel Gallagher at Man City, Catherine Zeta-Jones at Swansea, Adele at Spurs, and Ronnie Wood at West Brom.
  21. Great goals you remember from the VHS copy of ‘101 Great Goals’ you wish you still had. This is the start and end of said video, be warned, watching may prompt an immediate trip to eBay.
  22. When the referee takes a tumble or gets hit with the ball. We all love it, laughing at a man falling over or getting hurt by a ball #Glorious
  23. The sweet spot. A mythical area on the ball that is invisible to the naked eye, but when you find it you’ll know about it. Like a hot knife through butter.
  24. Panini stickers. Some truly magnificent haircuts. Zanetti’s never changed, and we hope Taribo West never changes his.
  25. Crap sponsors. A majestic golden Portsmouth strip with a big splodge of a TY Beanies logo on it, Clydebank had ‘Wet Wet Wet’, Scunthorpe had ‘Black Death Vodka’, and every second team these days has the ultra crappy ‘Wonga loans.’
  26. Stud marks.  Mud meet football boot.
  27. Outrageous curlers. Two words, one name – Roberto Carlos.
  28. Gordon Strachan’s interviews. Reporter: “So, Gordon, any plans for Europe this year?” Strachan: “Aye, me and the wife quite fancy Spain in August.” A reporter’s dream and nightmare at the same time, he never fails to tell the truth.
  29. Incredible sportsmanship. Paolo Di Canio here showing the way
  30. Boxing Day Football. Don’t talk to me about a winter break. You earn £100k+ a week, its not going to hurt if you play the game that you love 4 times in 10 days.
  31. Playing in “skins.” The downsides of getting a skelping from a rocket of a shot straight to your gut are made up by the fact that if you win you look like blood stained muddy warriors from 300.
  32. Sir Bobby Robson -A man and a manager everyone still loves, regardless of club affiliation. One of the rare unifying figures in our fractured game.
  33. Heading a ball in from the floor. I min 10 seconds in – Taking. The. Piss.
  34. Twelve Goal Thrillers. Enjoy Tranmere 6-6 Newcastle here.
  35. Harry Redknapp loses it with one of his own players on training ground. Hilarious, watch it here.
  36. Playing in snow. As a keeper I hated playing on a frozen pitch, but during a soft snowfall I once built a snow wall on my goal line which prevented a goal. True story.
  37. Girls at the football. Women that go to the football score extra points with guys (as stereotypical as it seems.) Same goes for women that drink pints, play video games, and make bacon rolls.
  38. Not pulling a Panenka off.
  39. Pulling a Panenka off. While England’s adrenalin-powered goalkeeper Joe Hart bounced, gurned and gesticulated on the goalline during his side’s inevitable Euro 2012 exit scene, Andrea Pirlo gave him a brief look of disdain, made him look an utter fool, and then gave him a slightly longer look of disdain – See here,
  40. Wall-charts for major tournaments. 
  41. Man-crushes. David Beckham? I would.
  42. Chris Kamara. Hilariously bad and hilariously great at the same time.
  43. When goalkeepers do something brilliant. With less than a minute left on the clock in the final game of the 1998/99 season, Carlisle need to score to win the game and stay in the football league. Step up Jimmy Glass……
  44. The intro to Football Italia on Channel 4. Watch it here
  45. Getting a touch of the match ball. Every kid wants to be behind the goal when a shot goes over the bar. I used to dream about catching a missed penalty!
  46. Slide tackles that never end. There’s even webpages dedicated to the ‘art’ of slide tackling, as Sol Campbell demonstrates here.
  47. Diving Headers. We all dream of scoring one. Shame I was too lardy to get off the ground.
  48. Playing for the school team. There’s no rivalry quite as fierce as meeting your local primary school rivals in the cup on a Saturday morning.
  49. The full Nike ‘cage’ advert. The 24 best players in the world stuck inside a steel cage + Eric Cantona refereeing + a filming budget of $100m + a killer soundtrack = The best advert ever.
  50. The football pages on Ceefax. 302 to 338 inclusively.
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