Parental Advisory, Explicit Satire. 

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Everyone knows that going to the gym is a hassle. If you’ve made a habit of going regularly, it’s much easier. According to the Internet some people even go by choice. But if you’re just starting off, it can be a real challenge to work up the motivation to go. I personally would much rather go to a pub, order chips, have a pint, and watch the football than go to the gym. From what I’ve been told however, it’s important to keep healthy. I’ve therefore compiled a list of 5 things I can only assume make going to the gym a bit more bearable, and also pretty much the same as a hungover lie in on the couch.

1. NETFLIX ON YOUR PHONE

When you’re doing cardio, you only have a few options to look at to stop you remembering you’re not relaxing at home. The basic TV channels, (which are probably showing Eggheads or The One Show), the wall, other people (which always comes off creepy), or into the mirror right back at yourself (which comes off creepier). Get Netflix on your phone, time your run or bike ride by picking a show that’s going to work for your fitness level. A 20 minute cartoon for beginners, a 45 minute drama for the extra fit people or even a movie for the marathon trainers.

2. BRING A FRIEND

Having someone with you is always recommended because they can help push you when you’re ready to quit. Someone you’re comfortable enough with that can say mean things to motivate you and that you’re okay with seeing you covered in bucket-loads of sweat.

3. WEAR JOGGERS / TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS

Most people wear shorts, and that makes some sense. They breathe a little better and they may be a bit more comfortable on the treadmill. That is until you start sweating and they ride up your crack. Gym creeps can see right up them when you’re doing certain exercises, and you’ve probably forgotten leg day a few times, so you’d better hide those twigs until you get to work on them a few more times. Joggers cover everything up, they’re still cozy and they’ll make you sweat more which I’ve heard helps you lose more water weight. That might sound like a drawback, but you’ll see results a lot quicker which helps keep you motivated. Nothing makes you want to stop like a lot of hard work with no results.

4. WEAR A HOODIE

Again, a t-shirt may seem more logical, but I’ll direct you to the sweating comment again. You’re going to sweat a lot more, and it will help burn off more fat. Again, quicker results! They also usually have bigger pockets so you can keep your phone close by at all times. This makes telling people you’re at the gym even easier.

5. BRING A DRINK BETTER THAN WATER

Yes water hydrates you and it’s healthy and all that jazz, but it’s boring. If I’m sweating buckets, I want something more refreshing than water, like a Lucozade or Powerade. They’re full of electrolytes, they’re tasty and they come in an variety of exotic flavours and exciting colours.

So what about the hangover?

You’re with a friend in your hoodie and joggers, drinking Lucozade and watching Netflix. These are things you do when you’re hungover. I would rather be hungover than go to the gym. So go out tonight, have it large, and then tomorrow follow these 5 steps to nurse your hangover on the couch….which is still better than going to the gym.

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