The 5-Step Summer Starvation Diet

A satire on the stupidity behind fad diets.


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In search of the next big thing in the diet world? Don’t want your body to be the big thing in the current world? You’ve come to the right man. Trade your kale shake and quorn steaks for these 5 tips to transform you from flab to fab. Ready ladies and gents? With summer upon us, bring it on!

1. Begin every morning with cayenne pepper and green tea.

Disclaimer: this will probably burn your throat whilst making your nose and eyes run–waking you and your taste buds up in ways you can really feel! Spices rev up your metabolism too, so your pain is your body’s gain.

2. Watch all your friends eat when you go out to restaurants. 
Sip on some cool ice water as your mates relish in the melted cheese oozing out from a pepperoni pizza. Be a spoonless supervisor to the decadent fudge sauce sliding down a shared ice cream sundae. Or, better yet, lie about preplanned dinner arrangements. Torture and starve yourself. Who better than your bulging hip bones to keep you company on those long summer nights?


3. Only rely on men’s opinions of your body. 
(Pay extra attention ladies – this is especially important for you.)   

Seek out patronising friends, condescending brothers, and pretentious dads, for their acute wisdom when it comes to the best physique. Call upon seasoned Men’s Health “Celebrity Edition” readers for guidance towards that perfect body.

 

4. Don’t sit down. Ever.  

Horses sleep standing up so why can’t you? You’ll burn more calories this way too. Remember that nobody ever changed the world by sitting down. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.

5. Be honest with yourself. 

We all know the previous points exaggerate and dramatise the typical fad diet lingo, however we somehow always fall captive to the same stuff glossed up in the latest popular way. I’ll confess: I’ve embarrassingly spent over the odds on ‘superfoods’, cut out sweets and most white carbs, and compromised my happiness in pursuit of bodily perfection. That’s the issue though: the perfect body doesn’t exist nor will it ever. Fad diets attempt to come up with the perfect trendy solutions to mask the truth we struggle to admit it to ourselves. It’s important to remember that health encompasses the social, environmental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental facets of each individual. I guess this means fad diets will never be truly “healthy” for us…. and boy am I glad about that.

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