Warning: Satire

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Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as females look for the newest ways to lose the wobble, whilst men clamber after those Peter Andre ‘Mysterious Girl’ music video abs. Britain has become a nation of gym users as the hashtag #gymspiration trends like wildfire. You can’t go anywhere without seeing ‘functional’ CrossFitters swinging from lampposts and deadlifting parked cars. Here are this year’s most popular fitness trends:

  • Extended Rest Interval Training: Adapted from popular High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) routine, Extended Rest Interval Training (ERIT) requires the body to stay alert for up to 18 hours a day and then take 6 to 8 hours of rest. Repeat for seven days of the week.

  • ClapActive: A fitness craze that has already taken America by storm, ClapActive’s high-intensity clapping program—practiced in more than 9,000 ClapActive gyms across North America—is said to be a remarkably effective way to improve both your clapping power and clapping endurance. Celebrity users include the judges on both The X Factor and Britains Got Talent, who swear by the program’s 12 steps method for efficient clapping.

  • BoastFit: A strict daily routine in which individuals perform 10 intensive 15-minute reps of talking about their workout routine. Interspersed with very brief cool down periods, this may suit CrossFit fans.

  • Competitively Trying To Run Faster Than That Twat Next To You On The Treadmill: This program encourages each individual to increase the running speed on his or her treadmill by working up a rivalry against the entirely imaginary enemy he or she has projected onto the person next to him or her.

  • Zambia: Many people are seeing weight loss results after just several weeks on this new fitness regimen of traveling to rural Zambia and attempting to survive. (Not to be confused with Zumba – a dance based workout that gets the jigglys’ a-jiggling.)

  • One Weird Trick That Really Works: By utilising a single trick that might sound strange but actually works wonders, many have lost hundreds of pounds in a matter of weeks.

  • 8-Minute Neck: According to researchers, in as little as eight minutes a day, you can get the chiseled, washboard neck you’ve always wanted simply by completing the fun 8-Minute Neck video workouts from the comfort of your own couch.

  • This Great Bootcamp Class That Dave Got Me Into: I didn’t think I’d like it, but Dave got me to go with him one time, and you know what, I’m hooked! It’s only an hour and it’s actually fun. It’s every Tuesday and Thursday at 5am in Morningside Park if you’re interested. Come on, wouldn’t that be just super if we all did it together?

  • Rocky IV Fitness™:  Techniques discovered by the genetic creators of Dolly the sheep, Lance Armstrong, and the Russian Olympic team, have allowed many athletes to become quicker and stronger than they ever imagined. A real injection of energy! You’ll actually feel like a whole new person!

  • Falling Out Of A Train Carriage, Then Wildly Flailing In Search Of Something To Grab Hold Of While Tumbling Down A Long Snow-Covered Rocky Mountain: As simple as it sounds. James Bond does it regularly and look at him!.
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