Hello there, and thanks for visiting my site! The experience of writing a food blog should be memorable and special—like the time you made your mum cry by telling her that you didn’t think marriage was your thing. But don’t worry; you’ve come to the right place. I am prepared to teach you everything there is to know about documenting the creation of a tofu quiche—with a side of new-found moral superiority. Here you will learn how to discuss the importance of healthfulness and tranquility in posts containing recipes that no one will ever actually be able to replicate.

First off, you should give yourself a pat on the back for quitting that boring accountancy job, forgetting about your student debt, and focusing on yourself. No need for introductions here—I know exactly who you are. You tried to read “Eat, Pray, Love,” enjoyed the “Eat” section and got bored by the time it came to “Pray”. You ruefully chose not to buy that hippie sweater because it looked too itchy. You thought that food blogs were reserved for people who only speak in the second person. You were correct.

Before you get cooking, write down everything that comes into your head. You’re going to want to share all of it with your readers, so that they understand that you are pensive, but also totally relatable. When you’re done, figure out a way to begin your first blog post with a bang. I suggest something ponderous, such as “Why does the sun seem so bright today?” or “What is the real purpose of the little toe—is it just there to be cute?” 

The next thing you’ll want to do is take stock of your cupboards to make sure all your ingredients are in order. Quinoa is excellent for every meal because its texture is a reminder that life can’t always be smooth or digestible. Every grain that slips through your fingers symbolises a friendship that you gave up because you spent all those years dating that ex who set your world alight and then left you to run away with someone else. Don’t waste another moment thinking about how happy they are right now—they don’t deserve you. Instead, write a poem-recipe about them that’s also an acrostic that forms the words “SOY SAUCE.” Hit ‘publish.’

Remember, you never want to confuse your readers. I find it helpful to always provide a photo of each individual ingredient, in case your fans forget what food looks like, as well as a stock photo of a baby (it doesn’t have to be yours) in a high chair with lots of fruit. Isn’t he adorable? 

When you’re ready to start testing a recipe, pause and meditate for a moment on how you let things get so out of hand. I mean, you don’t even like Kale that much. Pour yourself the better part of a bottle of wine and realise that you forgot to soak the lentils overnight. Write nine hundred impassioned words about whether “foodie” means anything when applied to you, other than that you are a grown adult who eats food. Polish off the wine as you reblog photos of a confetti cake that you made last year for the ex’s thirtieth birthday. Then order a Dominoes.

Congratulations! You made it through your first day as a “professional” food blogger. Before you pass out, post a final image of someone holding a fistful of dirty radishes. Tomorrow we’ll tackle how to find a font that makes you feel less alone while binge-watching “The Biggest Loser” until your hangover goes away.