The Department of Health for the first time in two decades will propose major changes to nutrition labels on food packages, putting calorie counts in large type and adjusting portion sizes to accurately reflect how much the UK eats.
The Times, August 10th, 2016

Mars’ Peanut M&M’s, Party Bag – 2kgs
Serving size: 10 to 15 lethargic handfuls.
Servings per Container: Not enough to fill the void.

McVities Chocolate Digestive Biscuit, one roll – 600g
Serving size: Just one more biscuit.
Servings per container: Look, I’m really sorry, O.K.? I know they’re your favorite. I don’t know what happened. I promise I’ll get you some more when I go out later. Just chill out. Jesus.

Irn Bru, 2 litres
Serving size: 1 shameless 45-second chug.
Servings per viewing of Braveheart: 4 to 5.
Power and toughness of a Scottish Celtic Warrior: 1/1.


Chicken Korma from the local Taste of India, 1 tub (with rice and naan bread)
Serving size: It doesn’t say.
Servings per container: Nope. Doesn’t say that, either.
Nutrition labels accidentally eaten per container: Shut up.

Asda ‘Smart Price’ Mayonnaise, 15g serving
Serving size: 0 tablespoons.
Servings per container: 0.
How nasty budget mayonnaise is: Totally nasty.
Uses for this: 1 – pranking old ladies.

Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, Cookie Dough, 500ml tub
Serving size: The whole damn thing.
Servings per container: Everything’s fine.
Quantity of ice cream that will make your ev come back to you: [Crying noises mixed with eating noises.]

Domino’s Party Pizza, Chicken Supreme, Large (10 slices)
Serving size: 1 pizza (2 on Tuesdays)
Total fat: 9.8g per slice
Magical anti-fat: -300 grams.
Made-up things per label that scientists need to get on A.S.A.P.: 3

Huge Wad of Nutella on toast
Serving size: 1 wad.
Servings per container: About 10.
Subtleties of the pleasurable experience that this creates that simply can’t be reduced to data on an Department of Health-mandated sticker: Infinite.
Minutes until you’re hungry again after trying carefully to lick the knife you spread it with: 2.5.

Pringles Salt & Vinegar Crips, 190 grams
Serving Size: Let’s not pretend it’s more than 1.
Something more interesting than the nutrition label: Brad Pitt once starred in an advert for Pringles. (See here)