The pure enjoyment of getting sloshed ‘hugely outweighs’ any health risks, according to a government report published today.

The new guidelines contradict previous suggestions by claiming that drinking alcohol is never healthy, which scientific researchers say ‘completely missed the point of drink in the first place.’

Responding to studies showing that no amount of alcohol is healthy, drinkers have confirmed that’s not actually why they do it, and recommendations that people drink no more than 14 units a week have been met with counter suggestions that researchers try getting out to the pub more.

I for one am delighted. As a binger myself,  I can see nothing but the benefits of heavy drinking. Having a few Gin and Tonics at work stops my anger levels rising to a level where I want to murder my boss. That’s a clear health benefit to her.

Alcohol also provides some security in my life. When my current girlfriend gives up on me, the fact other people get drunk too increases the chance of me finding someone actually willing to have sex with me.

I live in Scotland, for Christs sake. You should be congratulating me for not being on crack rather than nagging because I like a few pints of Special Brew every now and then. 

My colleagues Chantelle and Tiffany are new parents, and they’ve confirmed that a glass of vodka or two in the evening makes the joy of a baby just about bearable.

I can just about accept that alcohol isn’t a health food, but any suggestion we cut down on Gregg’s steak bakes and macaroni pies will be met with an armed revolt.