A man reported missing over a week ago has been found in his local 24-hour Asda supermarket desperately trying to escape a conversation with an eager CrossFit enthusiast.
Jason Robinson, 35, is said to be alive and well despite his ordeal, and is looking forward to returning to his family.
“I only said ‘excuse me’,” said Mr Robinson, who was clearly shaken by his experience.
“He was in the way of the bananas and he just turned round and said ‘I do CrossFit, you should definitely come try it’.
“I didn’t know what this ‘CrossFit’ was so I asked him about it – and my God how I wish I hadn’t.
“It feels like I’ve been away for a thousand years. I’ve missed my cat’s birthday, and I hope I still have a job.
“I wanted to leave, several times, but he just kept going on about circuits and squats and the exceptional benefits of plyometrics.
“I didn’t think it possible someone could spend 15 hours extolling the virtues of what honestly just sounds like ‘jumping on and off a box, repeatedly’.
“He kept screaming the word “functional” at me over and over. It was a nightmare.”
Police Scotland say Mr. Robinson has now been returned to his family and are advising the public to stay safe by avoiding anyone in a vest and shorts, or those who have recently been seen buying organic kale.