So, we’ve all read a recipe online right? Perhaps you’ve picked redcurrants from the garden and needed to find how to make a chutney? Or maybe you just needed to find out how to make a cake without a soggy bottom. The best thing about food blogs and food recipes are the comments from people underneath them; it’s internet gold. Whilst the list below is not exact quotes, I hope you have a chuckle at my attempts to summarise the mixed bowl that is the home cooking and baking world.

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“Could you please give the metric weight measurements, and sometime in the next twenty minutes; I’m making this for a dinner party and my guests are already here.”

[Recipe for Salmon En Croute] “Nobody in my family likes salmon but we thought we’d try this. Not very good. Would not make again.”

“For this chicken parmesan recipe, I substituted, beef for the chicken, mushrooms for the tomatoes, and sour cream for the parmesan and it did not taste the way I expected it to. can someone tell me what I did wrong?”

“I was out of vegetable oil, so I used motor oil instead, and I replaced the nuts with pencil shavings. Absolutely disgusting, I can’t believe people would rate this recipe so highly.”

“Does anyone know if you can make this ahead of time and freeze it?”

“Have you thought about making a sugar-free version of this?”

“I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed purée. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible.”

“I don’t have any of these ingredients at home. Could you rewrite this based on the food I do have in my house?”

“Can you give us a calorie breakdown for this? I need to hit my macros.”

“I followed this exactly, except I substituted walnuts and tofu for a sirloin steak, ditched the cheese entirely, and replaced the starch with a turnip salad. Turned out great. My seven-year-old boys have never really had desserts and now I’ve convinced them that walnut-and-turnip salad is “cake.” Thanks for the recipe!”

“A warning: If you cook this at 135°C for three hours instead of  200°C for twenty-five minutes its completely ruined. Do you have any suggestions?”

“I didn’t have custard, so I just poured baking soda into a container of raspberry yogurt. It tasted terrible.”

“I just started Paleo yesterday, and I’m wondering if there’s a way to make this without the ingredients.”

“Have you considered making a version of this margherita pizza for your readers who are trying to avoid gluten, dairy and nightshades? What if I shoved a roll of basil leaves in my mouth, do you think that would taste good?”

“It didn’t work! What did I do wrong?” [Doesn’t give any details into what “didn’t work” means]

“I love this recipe! I added garlic powder, Italian seasoning, a few flakes of nutritional yeast, half a bottle of oyster sauce, thyme, dried onion, and scone mix to mine. Great idea!”

“If you use olive oil for any recipe that’s cooked over 200°C, the oil will denature and you will get cancer. This post is irresponsible. You should only use grapeseed oil you’ve pressed yourself in a very cold room.”

[Recipe for Chocolate Cake] “I don’t like chocolate, or cake. This recipe, this blog, and by extension, you are garbage.”

“This was a very good post for your recipe you made, I made a similar recipe over at my blog last month, please consider linking back.”

“lol needs more bacon”

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