Premier Platinum Lululemon Highbrow Pass
For exceptionally toned women and unreasonably tanned gay men, this pass provides access to all of the exercise equipment that one can use while still looking attractive: Step Climbers, Swiss Balls, and that machine which is supposed to simulate the action of skiing, or maybe of speed skating. It’s over by the elliptical cross trainer machines. Your membership also includes access to the elliptical machines, but they are already full.
Members with this pass are required to purchase six pairs of yoga pants and a steady supply of Fiji water, even though the bottles don’t fit in any of the cup holders.
Silver Elite Guilt Pass
For new mums trying to lose the baby weight and fat guys who have somehow only just realized that they’re fat, the Silver Élite Pass gives preferential access to those treadmills which face either the wall of mirrors or the wall of windows. This pass is recommended for members who are interested in getting in shape but lack the will power to do so without being constantly in view of skeptical passers-by or seeing the shocking reflection of their own jiggling bits
The first-month membership fee includes three personal-training sessions in Unsustainable Shame-Fuelled Sprinting, Frequent Trips to the Water Fountain, and Rounding Up on the Calorie Counter.
Rock Wall Adventure Pass
For lanky men wearing bandannas and cut female lawyers, this pass permits unlimited use of the gym’s indoor rock-climbing wall. The wall comes equipped with Easy, Challenging, and Blatantly Impossible routes, and provides the opportunity to be confronted with the graphic outlines of spandex-clad male genitalia while simultaneously being engulfed by an eight-year-old’s birthday party. This membership also grants you permission to pretend that rock climbing is a legitimate form of exercise even though you spend most of the time standing around waiting for a turn on the wall.
Free with pass: chalk, bruised toenails, and conversations with people who want to tell you about how you should really go hiking in the Highlands sometime.
That Guy In Cutoff Sweatpants Who’s Just Here To Meet Girls Pass
This pass is exclusively for Kyle, that guy flexing at the water fountain. Hey, Kyle. Applications for this pass are no longer being accepted. It costs the gym too much in sexual-harassment court cases and towel laundering.
Those wishing to be put on the waiting list for this membership must try to find Kyle a girlfriend first.
Power Party Plans
For hungover women with hoop earrings and smeared eye makeup, this plan comes with a ten-class pass for the d.j.-trainer Mike-Z’s spinning sessions, enough loud techno music to make the gym feel like an H&M dressing room, and unlimited access to that embarrassing weight machine which is really just about opening your legs and exposing your crotch over and over.
Warning: women who purchase this plan incur an added risk of being hit on by Kyle. Hey, Kyle.
Ultimate Unlimited Sitter Pass
For old men wearing high socks with shorts, whose doctors have advised them to engage in light cardio, and people with Netflix-equipped iPads who are almost done with the sixth season of “Mad Men,” this membership level grants access to the laziest of lazy exercise machines: the reclining stationary bicycle. Members can strengthen the little muscles around their kneecaps in mere hours without breaking a sweat.
Unlimited Sitter Pass-holders are encouraged to do at least a few pushups on the mat before calling it a day. Come on.
Just The Key Chain
For people who are never actually going to go to the gym and only want the plastic key-chain thing to put next to the one they have from Waitrose so that the cashiers will stop giving them judgmental looks when they buy ice cream and beer. For an additional fee, members will be given two days of unlimited access to the gym’s facilities: Easter Monday and January 2nd.
The Upper Elite Experience Pass
For men who work out only their upper bodies and Scandinavian women—not the pretty kind of Scandinavian women—this plan comes with access to all of the most complicated weight machines, as well as permission to give other gym members unsolicited advice about strengthening their core. In addition, the plan bestows on members the right to eat the Snickers bars that are illogically stocked in the gym’s vending machine.
Members with this pass should probably also invest in steroids. It has to be steroids, right? Veins don’t do that on normal humans.